Saturday, 20 June 2015

Blinded by your flesh

One year, maybe a little more, I had him in my life. Not completely, no, just a toe dipped into the warm waters of my life, a finger slipped in between my thighs. Why he ventured my way I cannot tell, why he lingered too long, it isn't fair, but all the while his eyes were on the horizon and mine were on him, transfixed, fascinated, by this strange beautiful sad man. That's how I saw him, but that's not the truth of him. I got it wrong. Interpreted the cameo he played I my life as the main act. I can't remember ever wanting anyone more than I wanted him. It caught me by surprise and it ruined me also. 

He took things from me that did not belong to him. They were for a man I loved, who had intention to return my love. He used me in a callous way that I have not been used before. What sort of man could allow a woman to give of herself like that for so long without having a care for her.

He broke my heart by not caring enough to tell me himself. By letting me find out in a way that was so destructive to my self esteem when I need every ounce of strength I have to get through my life as mother, worker, friend.

I see now that he takes what he can get from the world. Beyond empathy. And he did not want me, he wanted someone else, but perhaps recklessly enjoyed the thrill of getting away with cheating on his beloved. When I found out, how coldly and cruelly he threw me aside. How I envy her and pity her simultaneously.

He did not appreciate my affection, my kindness, my intellect, my imagination, my sexuality, my body, my initiative, my time. I gave him these things, where I should have refrained, because I have a loving heart. He never made me feel important. He wasn't kind in return to me. I have to learn to expect more from people. I will learn.

I have to try and now understand what it was that got me hooked. I know it was the cybersex. I loved sharing that with him. Making him come with my words. It was spiritual to me, created a strong emotional connection, but perhaps not for him, and not when it came to being in person.  The money and the freedom to travel, a big attraction to one who is so down and out financially. A man on a giant white horse and I am most definitely a damsel in this area.

His quietness. Made me feel I could say more, move toward him. Not be suffocated.

I liked his looks and his skin. I romanticised him deeply. Absence made my heart grow fonder. But not his, not when it was already filled.

How do I look upon her photograph hand not feel inadequate. The jealousy I felt when I saw her beauty. The outrage that her lips were on his and her naked body lies with his. It made me sick to the stomach and filled with anguish. But he's mine I wanted to yell. But that wasn't true.

All the missed opportunities because I was blinded by that one dull light. He did not see me. He did not see me at all.

Why can't I be more ruthless. Why so meek. It hurts to think he just moved on so swiftly, while I suffered for months. If he felt no attachment to me after all that time, then is something awry in his heart and mind. How do I get past this. When you offer your heart, the best you could of it, and you are passed over, as though it was a worthless gift. When you would have given your eye teeth to be his girl.  My ego wants retribution but all I have the stomach for is this anonymous post. Just to touch upon what an act of revenge might feel like. It feels quite sickly to be honest, I'm not vengeful by nature. But wounds will change your character, at times.

I have to be the one to determine my value, my worth. I'm so loved and supported by my friends and family. That is something. No, that is everything. They see me and my good heart. I must stand tall, and keep finding courage, and choose the people I let into my heart more wisely, not be blinded by pretty flesh, fooled by a shallow man. Search and search for integrity and accept no less.

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