Monday, 8 July 2013

Some kind of farewell

It's hard on me, uncertainty, about the extent of another's feelings. I've written, many times before, about my younger male work colleague who has the ability to induce a significant desire within me. It waxes and wanes, but it's never really that far from the surface. Being the adventurous boy that he is, he has taken an internal transfer overseas, to the Middle East. Of course I understand that drive, remembering what it is like to be young and seek adventures. It is one thing I would like to have done, would still like to do, spend a year or two, living and working in a completely different environment and culture. So off he flys, in just three weeks time, possibly never to be seen again by this saddened heart. We went out as a group on Friday and we all drank a little much, and we were talking and he suggested to me that we should have a sexual relationship before he goes. Our very own office romance. I said that I would like that. But he said that I should think it over. Then others came along and we talked about it no more. Shortly after, a friend of his arrived, a girl, who sort of commandeered his attention for the rest of the night. I felt some jealousy but I hid it well, I feel I have a strong jealous streak sometimes, something I should work on. I texted him the next day, short but overtly sexual which he responded to quite nicely. I feel confused about how to progress. I'm worried he doesn't share the depth of emotion I feel, and is perhaps just looking for the stereotypical older woman sexual experience, and I feel pressure from that as well. I worry that he was just intoxicated and wasn't thinking of what he was saying, that it was just flippant. And he hasn't thought much of it since then, whereas it's all I can think of.  I could scarcely look at him today, let alone concentrate on my work with him just a few metres away, knowing that I want him. I'm worried about showing him my  older body with its marks of childbirth, and age. I'm worried about putting pressure on him by trying to instigate a conversation about this, in case he's hoping to just let it slide. I feel incredibly insecure about my position here. Does he want a guilt free uninhibited sexual experience, or a deeper connection, which is something he seems to seek from me, but through conversation only, so far. Am I alone in being asked to be his lover in this short time he has left. And then I think why am I giving away all my power, giving in to my insecurities. Why wouldn't he want to make love to me, now that this is potentially our only chance in life to be with one another. Our final goodbye. He will be gone for two years, both of us will have moved on by then to more appropriate partners and if there is a passion between now, in time, it will be lost. I don't want to let this moment pass. I might not feel this way about a man for a long time to come. It might be awful, uncomfortable, we might jeopardize our friendship, but it will surely dissipate in time, as right now we are thrown together by circumstance. I hope that these weeks won't pass without me knowing what it's like to have him, completely and utterly. A tragedy it would be to let him go because I'm afraid of his rejection, afraid I care more, afraid of some sadness when he leaves, afraid of ruining this last of our time together because of these fears when I could just be brave and open and loving and show him my heart and my passion and that experiencing such openness would just be enough. Why can't I just enjoy this, without all this associated emotional attachment, it isn't the way to love. I want to write to him and tell him everything but I also I don't want him to be forced to have difficult conversations when time is precious now for him, his time with friends and family. So I will wait and see, try to be open, not insecure, and hope he finds his way into my arms so I can love him properly, even just for just one night. 

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