Friday, 19 July 2013

Bye bye boy

The preceding days did not pan out for me as I had hoped. My bed remains empty, my desire unfulfilled. We didn't cross that line, ultimately I don't think he wanted to, he was just careless with his words, flirtatious in his ways. I sensed my want for him became heavy, demanding, not the mindless fling his body was seeking. I tried not to be that way, but I suppose my craving for passion overtook the reality of the situation. So needy and greedy, wanted to swallow him whole, yet hated the thought of him not being free. He hurt my pride, I thought it was just me, unique me, that he wanted, but I've learned this wasn't the case, and I learned it the hard way, like a stinging slap across the face. His farewell drinks and dinner, I ended up not being seated near him, but across from a sweet young man, and we got talking, and talking and shared our food. I could see my beloved bespectacled boy flirting with a girl, not from our work, and much closer to his age, but secretly I still hoped I'd find my way to him later in the evening. At the end of the meal, he came around, organising the payment of the bill. The young man I'd shared food with, commented to him that we'd had something of a dinner date. My colleague, drunk by this stage, said something along the lines of 'she is mine'. No, that's exactly what he said. She is mine. Proprietary. Perhaps in jest, but I heard the underlying warning. I didn't look to see his face, or at least I can't remember it now, I remember I laughed and rolled my eyes, but I felt something very primal respond in me at his words. Yes, I am yours. 

But he did nothing further that night to claim me. In fact he seemed to divert his attentions back to the other girl, and after a time I couldn't take it anymore so I left after a cool farewell, a nothing hug, an embrace that would have been warmer between strangers. And that's the end of that story, I'm relieved in some ways to see the back of him, my feelings had escalated and intensified so much in these last days with him, and it was becoming too intense. Having him disappoint me, show me his true colours, his carelessness, his lack of desire toward me when compared to my own, makes it easier to not look back, not dwell, soak, parade the memories around and around in my mind. I don't want to feel bitter, he is just so young after all, I can't expect him to have the intuition and nurturing care that I have, to know how to let me down gently, or to even have the insight that I might need to be treated with care, my vulnerable heart. 

So goodbye to you forever. It turns out I loved you. Yes. I am yours. But I will never ever ask you to be mine. 

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Intoxication

What a deliciously intoxicating day. 

The anticipation, the waiting and wanting. The breaking of rules, work place relationships, age difference relationships. Quivering all day long across from him exchanging flirtatious messages while the busy work of our colleagues swirls around us. I did my work, as best I could, while in flames, my mind gone, body controlled by my desire. 

Of course I worry still a little bit that there may be regrets, ramifications, aren't we taught that bad things happen when we give into our most primal needs. But this could be it, my last shot at passion, I could find out in a month, a year that I have cancer or some such modern day disease, and will have wasted this precious time on fear of retribution. My sexual drive will begin to decline, as I'm told it does with age, and these heights, like I experienced today, by his knowledge of my secret desire for him, will be forever out of reach. 

Monday, 8 July 2013

Some kind of farewell

It's hard on me, uncertainty, about the extent of another's feelings. I've written, many times before, about my younger male work colleague who has the ability to induce a significant desire within me. It waxes and wanes, but it's never really that far from the surface. Being the adventurous boy that he is, he has taken an internal transfer overseas, to the Middle East. Of course I understand that drive, remembering what it is like to be young and seek adventures. It is one thing I would like to have done, would still like to do, spend a year or two, living and working in a completely different environment and culture. So off he flys, in just three weeks time, possibly never to be seen again by this saddened heart. We went out as a group on Friday and we all drank a little much, and we were talking and he suggested to me that we should have a sexual relationship before he goes. Our very own office romance. I said that I would like that. But he said that I should think it over. Then others came along and we talked about it no more. Shortly after, a friend of his arrived, a girl, who sort of commandeered his attention for the rest of the night. I felt some jealousy but I hid it well, I feel I have a strong jealous streak sometimes, something I should work on. I texted him the next day, short but overtly sexual which he responded to quite nicely. I feel confused about how to progress. I'm worried he doesn't share the depth of emotion I feel, and is perhaps just looking for the stereotypical older woman sexual experience, and I feel pressure from that as well. I worry that he was just intoxicated and wasn't thinking of what he was saying, that it was just flippant. And he hasn't thought much of it since then, whereas it's all I can think of.  I could scarcely look at him today, let alone concentrate on my work with him just a few metres away, knowing that I want him. I'm worried about showing him my  older body with its marks of childbirth, and age. I'm worried about putting pressure on him by trying to instigate a conversation about this, in case he's hoping to just let it slide. I feel incredibly insecure about my position here. Does he want a guilt free uninhibited sexual experience, or a deeper connection, which is something he seems to seek from me, but through conversation only, so far. Am I alone in being asked to be his lover in this short time he has left. And then I think why am I giving away all my power, giving in to my insecurities. Why wouldn't he want to make love to me, now that this is potentially our only chance in life to be with one another. Our final goodbye. He will be gone for two years, both of us will have moved on by then to more appropriate partners and if there is a passion between now, in time, it will be lost. I don't want to let this moment pass. I might not feel this way about a man for a long time to come. It might be awful, uncomfortable, we might jeopardize our friendship, but it will surely dissipate in time, as right now we are thrown together by circumstance. I hope that these weeks won't pass without me knowing what it's like to have him, completely and utterly. A tragedy it would be to let him go because I'm afraid of his rejection, afraid I care more, afraid of some sadness when he leaves, afraid of ruining this last of our time together because of these fears when I could just be brave and open and loving and show him my heart and my passion and that experiencing such openness would just be enough. Why can't I just enjoy this, without all this associated emotional attachment, it isn't the way to love. I want to write to him and tell him everything but I also I don't want him to be forced to have difficult conversations when time is precious now for him, his time with friends and family. So I will wait and see, try to be open, not insecure, and hope he finds his way into my arms so I can love him properly, even just for just one night.