Monday, 24 June 2013

The Clearing

I ran away from the life I had. First there was the emotional retreat, then the physical one. I ran away from home. It felt like that too, that it was a rebellion, like I was making an escape under cover of darkness. Laid my plans in secret, plotted my path to freedom from the oppressive rule. Left behind a bitter broken man. Whose anger at me still boils beneath the surface. Don't trust him. No. Yet, still, on another level, against an ever darker force than himself, I could turn to him to fight for me. I'm feeling sad lately, not a sadness that comes from within me, it's one that pervades from the outside world, I'm a conduit for the angst that flys through the wind. If I had some direction, sense of purpose, outside of myself I would feel better, enthused, like I was ready to battle that sadness, to quench it, relieve it, somehow. I tried to write some goals last night, and most came easily, around fitness, motherhood, travel, relationships. It's the one around my life's work that fails me. I simply do not, can not see, in which direction to dedicate my time to, professionally. I can see the areas of society in which I would like to work towards improving peoples circumstances but I can't identify the best way to influence, change, rebel. Through storytelling? Through research? Working in my current capacity in a different company? Or the same one, with greater focus? 

I ran away from my last life to empower myself, to free myself, so as to not waste my life managing another's darkness. But I can't stop here. I have to go further, push through this melancholy, this plateau, this inaction. I ran away, fought my way through the treacherous branches, the oily black swamp, the icy mountain and I've reached this clearing. Many paths lead from here for me. I could step out along any one of them but I remain motionless, I'm sitting cross legged in meditation, asking for more of myself, asking what is it that I want to do now. I'm trying to drown out the demands of others, and my own addictions to dreams long dead, judgements, fears, recriminations, doubts and just find a few simple truths about my own long lost heart, my centre. How can I help, how can I shine, lead, inspire, love. Where to from here my heart? 

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