Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Rock Steady

Some days I am caught off guard.

I went for a run this morning, along the waters edge for some of the way. Perfect weather, the comforting warmth of our Australian winters. 15km. Numbers are important to me in my running. How far, how long did it take, the pace of each kilometre.

An old friend came for lunch. My teenage best friend. But one who wasn't just a friend of convenience, thrown together by circumstance. No, a true spiritual and intellectual comrade. We can still talk for hours about the nature, meaning of life. There is much common ground, it's a friendship of depth and substance. With some fun thrown in too. I feel like I learn something every time I spend time with her. Not a fact, or piece of information, something real, understood through the process of conversation.

So my day had been lovely, really lovely. My heart full of compassion.

We stopped to pick up footy boots from the children's dads place for training that night. And when he asked me for help with his printer, I obliged.

15 minutes in, it seemed to be going well. The printer was working. But then his anger came out, his bitter tongue, and I was caught off guard by the rapid onset of his wrath. Yet again. I walked out, told my kids we were leaving, him yelling my name, expecting obedience. To turn around like a trained dog at his beckoning. It takes so much willpower to walk onwards, forwards, to not participate in his dramas and to not be hurt by his criticisms. Will I ever be free of this desire to restore peace, to appease his anger, to not have it penetrate my skin and undo all the beauty of other parts of my life. Rock steady.

I keep self sabotaging my progress by letting him in, how can I be compassionate and protect my red heart at the same time.

Speaking of self sabotage I keep going back to the one who didn't take my hand when it was offered. I should stay away, but there are days I weaken and I go to see him, and I tell myself it's just because I'm trying to be principled and righteous but truly, rock steady desire is my motivation. And I will fall again if I'm not careful, but perhaps that's what I need. That final destructive blow of reality that blows my decadent fantasies of dancing, and laughing and kissing and traveling and making love right out of mind.

Rock steady baby. Stand your ground. Fill my rightful space in this world. Don't just give it all away.

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