Monday, 4 March 2013

Song

“Sound has a profound effect on the senses. It can be both heard and felt. It can even be seen with the mind’s eye. It can almost be tasted and smelled. Sound can evoke responses of the five senses. Sound can paint a picture, produce a mood, trigger the senses to remember another time and place. From infancy we hear sound with our entire bodies. Sound speaks to the sensorium; the entire system of nerves that stimulates sensual response.” ― Louis Colaianni, The Joy of Phonetics and Accents

Even in song his voice is abrasive, a decibel too loud, intrusive. As though the darkness, or emptiness, that I fear resides inside him is embedded within the waves of sound that transmit through the surrounding air and cause my body to tighten and shrink just a little more. As though he is trying to steal the space around me by occupying it with his laden tunes. The intensity of his personality is somehow transmitted through his songs, the frequencies that constitute his voice. How it irritates me his singing languages I have no knowledge of. Perhaps it is because I don't understand the meaning of his songs, I can gauge only by their sonic quality. I want to cover my ears, run from the sound, never hear it again. It is like everything he represents for me, to me, is distilled into the sound. Worse than strong fingernails dragging across a blackboard. I don't believe there is hatred in my heart for him, his behaviors have hurt me to be sure, but I imagine I can track back through the years of his life and find the origins of his toxic spreading moods. He's been subjected to experiences that have created these tendencies, which have grown over a soft neutral heart, and have multiplied unchecked over time. But the extent of my recoil to such a simple thing as his song makes me wonder about the nature of my feelings. Is there a wild power hungry creature inside my heart wanting to be set free to destroy her oppressor. I've dreamt of taking a sword and killing him, always death by hand wielded weapons it is, but thought these dreams were conjured symbolic gestures, not reflective of a true desire for violent restitution. Does his song contain some codified key that threatens to let the violence against him in my heart, free. Free to rage and rage against every unkind word he has said to me. Against his manipulations and emotional blackmail, his threats, recriminations, his silences, his dismissals, his temper, his suffocation, his heavy heavy love.

Sigh. It's not like I have the voice of an angel.

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