I am protective of this one, I want to save her from the beatings she is getting from misfortune.
I thought that being a twin would exempt her from loneliness, from needing so desperately to find another, a partner, a lover, a man. But it seems that isn't so, it doesn't provide the respite, the relief I imagined.
She says it frequently, that she is unlucky, and I always refute this, but I do wonder how much a girl like that, on her own, can take before despair takes it toll.
She's just lost her job. The one which saw her sit next to me each day, she was my work little sister and she brightened my day with her quirky outfits, slightly crooked face, pretty golden hair and sweet personality. Tiny girl, but voluptuous still.
Why she hasn't found love I am not sure, it could be the lack of confidence, the shyness, or just timing. But she's feeling the pressure, approaching 30 when friends are marrying, having children, and she wants it to be her turn. She grows impatient for a prince. Her expectations of this imagined future love are high. There is a yearning, a sadness, and wretched desperation I have observed in a few young woman who haven't had successful long term relationships by their early thirties. They require endorsement of a kind - yes - you are worthy of love and adoration. Self doubt can haunt if left unchecked. And not stifled by radical self love. Lack of a committed lover, if that is what is desired, can hurt, acutely, during this age.
My lovely brave girl, her parents offer no security or comfort. They love her, and her siblings both, but they are poor, very poor and facing their own demons. Down on their luck, especially the father figure. Too many wild years, too much time getting high, and now they are in ruins. If you judge by the usual social norms. I know he has his unique slightly deranged charms.
She has no money behind her, no lover to help tide her over if she can't find another job, and I see she is scared, just holding it together. I am worried for her too, but try not to let her see this. I'm not sure if she has the resiliency to cope if this state of unemployment continues, it's so hard at the moment to find work, good work, and we've been spoiled by a year of working with a team we both adored, in a building of utter beauty. I wait every day for a call from her telling me she has found an amazing new role. I hope that call comes soon.
I believe in her, she is easy to love. I just wish she would find the self belief to move confidently in the world, acknowledge her own beauty and skill just a little more. May my shiny girl find her dream job some day soon, or a special love, because it's too hard to be a girl who wears her vulnerability on her sleeve for too long. Too hard to fight battles across many fronts in cute short dresses and outrageous shoes. I want to see her smile reach her eyes again. Don't give up little darling.