Sigh. A dinner date on Friday night with a man I knew as a child, recently reconnected through the online networks. I thought maybe, just maybe, that I might find a spark with this one. And whilst it was nice, and the conversation interesting and free flowing I soon grew weary. Nothing in me wanted to touch him, there was an absence of attraction. Falling in love, or lust, doesn't happen over one dinner I suppose. Perhaps it is my expectations that are ruining my chances of enjoying a pleasant evening. I felt slightly sad afterwards, depleted by the realization that powerful attraction is actually quite a rarity. It's just not going to be that easy to find one who will melt my heart, especially now I am so protective of it, having done so much work to nurture it back to whole.
It takes time and energy to come to know someone. Or at least to be at ease in their company, whilst still stimulated by the exchange. I'm just not sure I can be bothered to make such a journey towards someone else when efforts towards other goals are just as rewarding, involve less risk, and make me happy. Running makes me happy, working towards my black belt makes me happy, writing down my thoughts sometimes makes me happy, dancing with my friends makes me happy. Knowing a man? Loving a man, I'm not so sure these days that this will make me happy.
Perhaps single is a better state of affairs for me right now. Luxuriate in my newly found freedom. Find confidence in following my dreams, even just having dreams that I want to bring to life is a novelty. I wasted so much energy just managing a relationship, and the trials that went along with it, why would I walk that path again.
The inner romantic likes to raise her eyes and look around sometimes I suppose, and I'll let her. And pass her a tissue when each date fails to elevate her heart rate, flood her senses, captivate her imagination and make her shiver with desire. Poor lass, back to sleep again for awhile. The rest of us have work to do.