Wednesday, 5 December 2012


Sometimes I feel like there is a wreckless entity inside my body that drives me onward more frenetically than I would like. 

I think on some level I am very tired, and need to rest up, but I don't stop. I can't seem to put the brakes on, to pause. I feel I am not in control, the steering is faulty, gravity too strong and I'm on a fast paced track going god knows where. Like I'm clinging to this force that drives me, too afraid to let her go, lest she turns and destroys me. My muscles ache, my mind is cluttered with useless information, I need some loving. But I'm in constant motion, unstoppable. 

In which direction am I running? Am I suddenly so enamoured with life that all must happen with immediacy. Or is there some deeper instinct guiding me in this manic hurry. Is death chomping at my heels. Life feels different, I see beauty and connections between things, I am driven hard. I am sped up and out of control. 

My days suddenly feel precious, numbered, or is it just cherished. Maybe it's just coming to terms with mortality. Maybe I've fallen in love with life. Maybe my spirit is just roaring and exerting its will and expecting my body to comply without meaningful resistance. 

I imagine it as an out of control wildfire, but that's just perhaps wishful thinking. A more mundane restless spectre wandering aimlessly, carried along occasionally by a hot northerly wind.

Whatever she be, she be tiring me. 

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