Saturday, 15 September 2012

XXIV. Compost

"Fear, even subliminal -- like when your shoulders clench when he drives up -- blocks passion."

I've been reading about verbal abuse again, online articles.

One one hand I don't want to start demonising my ex-partner by recreating a scenario that didn't exist, painting a layer of abuse over it, so as to alleviate myself from guilt.

But let's just say for a moment, that's not what I am doing. Let's trust my instinct and what it tells me as I look back over my relationship. If I can send all undermining thoughts from my mind, then it's truly time for me to admit that I've been the victim of years, many years, of verbal abuse. And let's say that's true, then it's highly likely, that I am far more fucked up than I originally thought. Bugger.

I do fear him. I have a physical reaction, a recoiling of the muscles, in the period of time before I am to see him. It is as the quote says. A subliminal fear that blocks not only passion, but empathy. He induces in me only a self protective stance now.

I find this recognition, this acceptance, also freeing in a sense. I see now that I have been harmed and recover I must. And some of my risk taking behaviours of late are as a result of this. Part of the rebellion. I must let my loving friends and family help me. Lay my head on their shoulders, cry if I need, have my hair brushed, be fed, wrapped up. I'm not being selfish in requiring these small affections, I just simply won't rise from the oily black if I deny myself the healing process.

But I refuse to point a finger at him and say, this is your fault. He grew up in a war zone. He's had a gun pointed at him. Seen dead people. Had a mother, who martyred herself for her family, as is the cultural expectation. Excuses a plenty there are. But I don't need to sit at the end of a long chain of cruelty. I can't. I reached absorption capacity. I have to let the destructiveness that has entered my veins seep out. Flow outward into the earth, where she will break it down to compost, overpower the chemical bonds forged in hatefulness and make this energy native and neutral once again.

The human world is in need of some healing.

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