Monday, 3 September 2012

XVII. Repitition

I'm not sure you will find a bigger fool for love than me. Or anyone who can perpetrate such ludicrous lies upon her own heart.

I heard his voice again. Been a long time. But I had to know, had to pull back the sheet on some of the mystery of recent events, told myself it was to just make sure that there was peace in the air but what I really wanted to know was a pathetic 'Do you care for me?'.' Nope, he don't. Could hear it, no quaver, no desire to carry on talking, no future plans with me in it. Just dead air. White noise. Apathy. Absence. 

He has moved so far past that it was bothersome to him to recall the speck of time we conversed together, saw each other. While I yearn for it every day. 

Why must I be the one stuck in the blood red maze. Travelling, turning and running into steadfast walls, dead ends and hidden traps. And repeating it on a perpetual journey of destruction. I will wear myself thin, old, strong flesh will age and wither. I will appear grey and lose my parts in this maze. I'll scream to be let out but no one will hear because my voice won't carry because in my heart I know the only way to keep him with me is to keep running in the maze. I find my way out, then he is gone from my mind, and I am alone without the warmth of the false cloak to protect me. 

I'm wasting time and energy on a dead dream instead of nurturing my fledgling human children into beauties never before seen on this planet. Beauties of spirit, that will shine through their flesh. 

I must keep turning away, keep up these notes to self to remind me that I must not think of him anymore. I don't need his image in my mind anymore. I've got this. He doesn't belong to me. I am an oddity he feels sorry for. A piece of roadkill, flattened, but not destroyed, by his male arrogance and ignorance. 

I need to swim back up to the surface, breath in the sunshine, fight, eat, smell, and care and teach.

I'm a mother. Not a lover. Because my lover is a conjured projection that does not exist. His voice told me so.

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