Thursday, 2 August 2012

VII. Addicted to Romance

Cyberspace, once just a glint in its mothers eye, now a fully fledged digitized beast.

A place where relations that might once have just simmered under the surface unacknowledged can slip somewhat sideways and transform slender elegant tendrils of attraction into creeping musculated emotional spines crisscrossing a darkened cyberscape. A space for explorations in romancitism, not romance, without fleshy boundaries.

We had a bit of a student-teacher type relationship in real life. I saw him frequently but we were distanced. I was atuned to his presence, flushed by his attentions and I wanted to use my body and all its power to draw him to me. It was Wrong. I couldn't resist reaching to him nonetheless.

And so it was, occasional business as usual emails turned to longer narrations, which changed to occasional online exchanges to daily exchanges until you find yourself falling asleep each night with your instrument of choice in your hand. The tool that connects you to him. Your iWhatever.

Thousands of written words filtered through the cyber realm between us, mine were awkwardly disguised love letters. My girly attempts to seduce, to romance, to attach, to enter under his skin sideways. I wrote myself, my heart into everything I sent him, even in the most frivolous of messages. I opened, I floated in the safety of his acceptance of me, I played with my words and thoughts, I blossomed under his attentions. And he took it all, chewed it up and grew fat on it. But perhaps it's like hurling a large ball of barely held together stardust through the realm. By the time it reaches it's destination it has dissipated to a speck. A poor incarnation of what it was intended to be. Dull chatter, not the gorgeous deep sea I was swimming in. I know I veiled the intensity of my feelings, hid it within my words, but I thought he would understand. That our connection was balanced. I was incredibly foolish in my investment.

What was probably just a fairly innocuous friendship was elevated in my mind due to the extreme circumstances that swirled around it. Firstly by my anonymous attacker who somehow had insight into our fledgling friendship, and then by my ex-partner's anger at the perpetuation of the virtual friendship after I removed myself from physical contact. It was cruel and selfish of me to continue but my need had become greater than either my empathy or good conscience. It was a panacea to the pain of having separated from my children, part of the time.

Time passed, words flowed and I longed to touch, to pass back over to the other side but his desire was insufficient, his courage lacking and there were risks, threats. I was trouble with my vengeful ex-partner monitoring my every move, invading my private world, when the opportunity arose. That was my fault, my loyalty, my passive nature and even my fear of the unknown didn't allow me to strike a final killing blow into the heart our marriage. Small deceits instead, which barely perturbed his pursuit. So in the dark, in the realm he kept me like a shameful secret.

I am many things and I have taken my knocks. But I require more than that in return for my affections. And I sensed, there was another in his life, the real life, which I was now removed from. And in anguish I shut the door to protect myself.

Retrospect pains, I see now that he was just passing the time over the months of our writing to each other, waiting for the slight blonde girl he really wanted to become his. Whose arms I imagine he rests in now. Whose hands he took in his in the sunshine while I was left holding the weight of those disfigured emotional cyberspines that each now led to a dead end. And I held on to them for far longer than I should have until a chef, of all the trades, showed me how to let them go. When a virtual friendship ends, there is nothing to show that anything of value ever existed. Doubt about its authenticity and meaning hovers. Our friendship was invisible but has nonetheless left scars, created with the white hot crystal forged in the digital realm.

My love thrown into the vacuous winds threading through the valleys of the cyber realm like predators. What a waste.

But I learned that I can be the lover. And I found some long forgotten parts of myself through our exchanges.

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